The difference a day makes

Did I? Didn't I?

I'm used to the horrors of the 2ww, convincing myself that this is the month and imagining pregnancy symptoms left, right & centre but not knowing when I'm ovulating is driving me insane!

Before the acupuncture, I was ovulating reliably on day 22. Admittedly, in a 30 day cycle, that's not really a good thing, but I'm beginning to see the positives of that reliability.

This month I just haven't a clue. I thought I ovulated a few days ago on day 15, but then my temps went back to a nice steady 36.2 again, so I can't have done. My OPK was a little darker the day before yesterday, I wasn't able to test yesterday and today it's lighter again, so that's no help.

I had an acupuncture session yesterday and this morning my temp went up to 36.7, which is nearly a fever by my standards and also lines up with my CM, but of course I now need to wait for a couple of days to be sure that this is really it. To make it worse, I had a tiny bit of red blood today, which must mean something...

If it is, our timing has been good but I really need to know now as I don't think I can cope with any more waiting this month. I feel like I should be breaking out the pregnancy tests already!

The Infertility Hierarchy

There are a few things guaranteed to raise the blood pressure of a woman struggling with fertility issues.

There's the couple who "just fell pregnant, just like that", who giggle about how they "must just be like... really fertile". Then there's the couple who seem indifferent to the pregnancy and their baby, continuing to smoke and drink throughout who still manage to have a healthy baby (not that you would wish anything different, obviously, but when you're feeling guilty for that coffee you had just after ovulation it doesn't seem very fair). There are those who were just born lucky, who tell everyone the minute they fall pregnant and seem never to worry about it or imagine the worst. There are the people who assume you don't want a baby, and there are the people who not only assume they know what you want, but then have the cheek to question it and berate you for it.

But worse then any of those are the ones who confide that they too are struggling, who talk to you about "trying" and "waiting" and, when you are drawn in by the sense of shared suffering, tell you that it's been 3 months now and not even a sign...*screams a silent scream*

I am also one of "those women" - I have already been blessed with a beautiful, healthy child who, after years of trying, appeared by accident early in a relationship that luckily turned out to be stable. But I'm greedy and I want another. Not only that, I know that we don't have much time before Mr feels too old to care for a young child, so after 7 or 8 months I'm already impatient. The intensity of wanting hasn't changed, just because I am already lucky. If anything, the desire for a child is even stronger as I know time is running out.

I can't get over this feeling that I am a fake in the eyes of other women who have been trying for much longer, and that my pregnancy cancelled out the years of trying and that I now have to start from scratch and earn my right to post on the fertility forums again.

In the end I posted a poll on one of those forums asking how long into your TTC journey is it reasonable to say you have fertility issues. Just over 100 people voted, and the consensus was that if you have been trying for a year or more, then it is not unreasonable to describe yourself that way.

3-6 months		5%
1 year		80%
2-3 years		12%
4 years or more		0%
IUI/IVF/ICSI only		0%

Reading the answers gave me real comfort. I classed myself as having issues (never as infertile, as it feels too hopeless) after 2-3 years of TTC, at about the same point as I got referred for testing. While a lot of people agreed, someone shared the following medical advice:

"Reproductive endocrinologists, the doctors specializing in infertility, will consider a couple infertile and eligible for treatment if:

• a woman under 35 has not conceived after 12 months of contraceptive-free intercourse. Twelve months is the lower reference limit for Time to Pregnancy (TTP) by the World Health Organization.
• a woman over 35 has not conceived after 6 months of contraceptive-free sexual intercourse."

"Alternatively, the NICE guidelines define infertility as failure to conceive after regular unprotected sexual intercourse for 2 years in the absence of known reproductive pathology" 

So many women posted that they were sure they had problems long before they felt they could approach their doctor - I would have had more confidence asking for a referral if I had been aware of these guidelines.

There is certainly a hierarchy of infertility. Even when you acknowledge each other as infertile, there is an understanding that the longer you have been trying, the worse it is. It's an understandable and often justifiable snobbery, but I think it does sometimes leave women who maybe haven't been trying so long, and who are afraid of offending, out in the cold.

Infertility has so many facets that you really can't know what someone else is dealing with unless you can walk in their shoes. A woman who wants children, thinks there may be an issue but is not in a position to start TTC, could feel just as desperate as someone who has already endured many unsuccessful cycles.

Either way, I'm giving myself a break. This is my space, and my life and I won't be wasting any more of my time feeling guilty or a fake. Infertility is not a badge anyone should have to or want to earn and while I will probably still grimace inwardly at the "trying" couples, I will try to remember that in their minds, the suffering is very real.

I woke up feeling really positive this morning. Work seems to be falling back into place again slowly (I'm allowed to start doing a few hours from home next week after a very long time off sick) so the financial pressures have reduced a bit, but I just feel generally like something might have changed.

It's quite exciting that I might not have to wait so long for ovulation this month. Usually I'm very hit and miss with my temps at this stage in my cycle as there doesn't seem much point, but if I ovulate on day 15 again, that's only 9 days away. Of course it means that my 2ww is going to actually be 2 weeks, but it's hell whatever the distance, so I'm not going to let that get me down.

Having almost given up on ever falling pregnant before, and then having such a difficult pregnancy, it has sometimes felt like we just aren't meant to have another child - maybe we're just being greedy?

My back problems did make us wary of trying again so soon, but we know that with a luteal phase as short as mine, pregnancy is going to need either a heavy dose of luck or medical intervention, possibly both. I had been feeling rather fatalistic about it - Mr's decision that he doesn't want to keep trying after he turns 45 rules out IVF in the future, so if it doesn't happen naturally now, it won't happen at all.

The odds have seemed pretty slim, but knowing that I've had one "odd" (normal, healthy...) cycle through acupuncture changes everything. I haven't felt this excited about TTC in forever!

A cunning plan

Talked to Mr about the acupuncture's effect on my cycle. He, like me, has a lot of faith in it having seen the difference in my back and walking ability.

We both feel that my short luteal phase is the reason why it isn't easy for me to fall pregnant, although the consultants I saw before #1 was born didn't seem at all interested in my lovingly plotted charts. If acupuncture can change this and improve our chances, we have agreed to "babydance" (I love that phrase!) madly all month to try and help the process along.

While, according to Fertility Friend, our timing has been good every month since I started charting again, the idea of mad babydancing is putting a smile on my face, and somehow it feels that we need that little bit of extra sparkle in our lives to make it happen.

Of course, as we now have no idea whatsoever when I'm going to ovulate, it could be quite a month... With a toddler still sharing our room, it's been a while since we've been that energetic. I hope I've still got what it takes!

Magic Needles

I had my usual acupuncture session for my back today and I asked whether anything he did in the last session might have affected my cycle.

It felt like a big deal because, although I'm sure it's no great secret that I would like another child (or 5), I haven't actually told anyone except my best friend that we are properly trying. I'm only too aware that last time I fell pregnant it was a happy accident rather than any kind of plan. I suspect it will need some more of that mad luck if we are to manage it again, so I don't want the pressure of people wondering "if I'm pregnant yet".

Apparently the point he worked at on my back was one of the main fertility points and, while it wasn't why he was doing it, the change in my cycle is a positive sign that we are making progress with my back. It's interesting that a back problem which started in what was a very stressful pregnancy seems to be linked to my fertility issues.

He worked on the same place again today and I am feeling lighter in myself. If one session can make that much difference, I feel really hopeful that we might get lucky over the next few months.

A Lonely Spot

There's something very depressing about the start of a new cycle. The joy of fertility charting is that you see daily progress. Even when there is very little happening in baby-making terms, you feel that you are doing something, that you have some form of control.

The downside is that lonely little dot at the beginning of the month, which feels even bleaker when you were hoping for a line that went on and on into pregnancy.

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