Not Good

I am really struggling today. It's nothing to do with TTC really but, like TTC, I can't write about it anywhere else. My parents and my partner read my other blog, and they are already beyond stressed.

I feel like everything is closing in on me. I have a career that I love which I can't get back to due to sickness and a particularly closed minded boss, who won't try to support me to do some of my job from home. Until they decide my fate, I can't get any benefits or apply for other jobs and I hate them for doing this to me and my family when I made myself ill trying to meet their expectations while pregnant. It wouldn't bother me if financially I didn't need to work, as I could play SAHM with the best of them. But I do need to work - not for luxuries but for basics, as over half of Mr's salary goes on old debts and to his ex. Again, I wouldn't mind so much if she was working at all hard or if that money was actually going on caring for the kids. But she doesn't. And it doesn't. And my daughter is missing out on things that her brother and sister took, and still take for granted, like swimming and special days out. And she is missing out on me. And she is missing out on Mr, who is so stressed that he seems barely aware of her most days.

This morning there was a mass exodus and no.1 visibly shrank as they all disappeared on her again. She was grotty for breakfast and I was impatient. For the first time since she started there, I dropped her off at childcare and instead of running in without a backwards glance, she clung to me and refused to let go.

And all the time, while I hugged her and held her and tried to make it better, I could feel blood flooding my tampon and my jeans. For some reason, my body has chosen today to flood so heavily that even a super tampon is only good enough for 20 minutes. I feel dizzy and am scared I am going to have to ask Mr to come home as I won't be able to pick no.1 up.

Sorry for the TMI and sorry for the rant. I already feel slightly better.

She's coming

My temp dropped slightly yesterday and down to my normal 36.2 today. I knew it was likely to as I've taken my temp before bed the last couple of nights and it seems to be about half a degree lower than my morning temp. Last night it was 35.6.

This morning I woke up with cramps that are unmistakeable. I'm almost relieved, as I felt pretty certain I wasn't pregnant after yesterday's test, making a long luteal phase pretty redundant.

13 days is already my longest luteal phase ever, so I'd just like to get on with the next cycle now.

Spotting

The chart still looks good, but the spotting is getting worse so I'm pretty sure I'm out.

(C) Pregnantish. All rights reserved

Objectively, another 12 day luteal phase is great, but it is hard to cope with. When you're used to a short luteal phase, it's too easy to get your hopes up. The whole point of trying to extend my luteal phase is to fall pregnant and stay pregnant. Every month it doesn't happen is harder and harder.

Still waiting

It is now 11dpo and the test this morning was negative.

I started spotting very lightly this afternoon, but no cramps or any sign of a period yet. All I can do is test again tomorrow.

I'm torn between holding onto hope because I didn't test til 13dpo last pregnancy and my temps are still holding steady, and then not getting my hopes up because I've had a 12 day luteal phase once before and this could be the same again.

SUCH a pretty chart *sigh*. Well... after ovulation anyway!

(C) Pregnantish. All rights reserved.

Test date

I am lying in bed, no.1 still asleep next to me. Trying to get up the guts to go and test and steeling myself for another negative.

It's no wonder we all feel nauseous this time of the month!

Surreal

I'm in the strange position, for the first time ever in my TTC history, of being just a few hours away from my "official" Fertility Friend test date.

In the past, my stats have been so varied that AF would come long before, so I would just ignore it and test anyway.

Right now, I have no spotting or period, and no signs that I might be pregnant. I already have 2 negative tests under my belt, and with a 12 day luteal phase once before, this could just be more of the same.

I can't help hoping though. Even in my pregnant cycle, I was spotting by now. At worst, the B6 and acupuncture is doing it's job. I think I tested positive on day 13 last time, and it was a definite line, so I have no idea when I would have first seen a faint positive if I'd tested earlier.

Does taking a TTC break work?

In case you are wondering whether a TTC break helps... here are my pros and cons...

GOOD:

• I did feel less panicky about the whole process.
• TTC didn't take over my whole day. I kept temping, but didn't rush to the loo mid-afternoon to use OPKs or check my cervix 5 times a day.
• I spent less on OPKs and tests.
• Having less data to enter into my chart on Fertility Friend meant I didn't look at the forums so much, which meant I didn't find more things I "should have done" to make this month successful.
• It made sod all difference to the timing of the babydancing, and made me want to make love more , not just babydance. Mind you, I wish I'd ovulated on day 12....

BAD:

• I avoided blogging too, which I find therapeutic.
• I didn't reply to comments on my blog in case it drew me into the whole TTC mania again. That's just downright rude. If you were one of the people who I didn't reply to, I'm sorry - all your comments were very much appreciated.
• I missed out on lots of news. At Why Can't This Be Easy, there is at last a pregnancy that seems to be sticky. At Muddling Along Mummy, a bad month, with another little one that wasn't strong enough to make it. These are people who support me, and I would have liked to have at least been able to return that favour by being there when they posted.
• If by some freak accident I should fall pregnant this month, I won't have the same detailed symptoms and information that I had last pregnancy. And if it's a girl, I won't be able to tell her about it when she is going through similar (please not the same...) issues.

Overall it was a good thing. I think TTC is like warm clothes... If you don't give it break once in a while, you won't feel the benefit when you go back to it.

Giving up giving up

I am now 10dpo with temps that have been remarkably stable since ovulation and I'm giving up on my TTC break. I went through my stats on Fertility Friend this morning and discarded all those before I started acupuncture and/or Floradix (inc. B6) properly. So, instead of my previous stats with a luteal phase between 6dpo and 12dpo, and a cycle length somewhere between 22days and 46 days.... I have some that really reflect my recent cycles, which means my average luteal phase is now borderline normal!

And guess what? Based on these stats, FF thinks I should test tomorrow!

So what did I do........?

Yep. You've guessed it.

I tested yesterday. And this morning. And both are BFNs.

You'd think I would have learned by now, wouldn't you?

Still, the chart looks nice. It follows my pregnancy chart very closely so far.

(C) Pregnantish. All rights reserved.

Mind you, so did the one last month til it dropped off a cliff and I started bleeding... At least it's not long to wait now.

Eggwhite

I thought I was coping ok with my little ttc holiday. I've continued to temp, but I haven't used opks and there have been days where I have forgotten to temp, which was rather nice. I haven't been on the forums and I'm feeling pretty calm. The babydancing (or fancy free sex, as I'd like to think of it...) has been more frequent, which is a bonus too.

Until this morning. When I discovered eggwhite cm and lots of it. Combined with the temp drop this morning and the fact it's day 17, it looks like ovulation.

And that's when the calm facade dropped. I pulled Mr to one side and told him that we need to have sex TODAY.

Not an unreasonable request. Usually he'd be most happy to oblige. But the timing is really bad. We left the house at 730 this morning on a day trip to the wildlife park. We are staying at my parents tonight so will have to find a way of getting to bed early and doing the deed without waking no.1. And failure is not an option.

Typically this month, despite our renewed libidos, my chart doesn't look that great. We babydanced every day (sometimes twice) until a few days ago, when circumstances conspired to mean we have only managed every other day. If only this had happened a few days ago!