Confused & disappointed

That's confused and disappointed as in "I'm not cross, but...."

My body is NOT behaving. After my hopeful moment, I continued to spot until I eventually marked it up as light flow on fertility friend and gave up til next month. I was pretty gutted, as at only 7 days, it's my first under 10 day luteal phase in months. I really thought I'd cracked it... Particularly cruel when we'd got the timing so perfect this month.

So I had a day of spottingish lightish flowish bloody something(ish) and now I'm back to barely spotting. So I've changed my mind and marked it back as spotting.

It's only day 9, and my temp went up again this morning so I did a test mainly because I could rather than with any kind of hope, but it was negative. I'm guessing my temps will drop properly in the next couple of days and I'll either have a proper period or I'll have to assume that I had an odd month and am already mid-cycle.

I guess I'll just have to wait a few more days and see, but I would have thought that if the bleeding was implantation it would have been a long enough wait for a faint line on a sensitive test. I'm no longer statistically pregnant, and I'm probably not actually pregnant either. I've already pretty much given up on this cycle, so just want to get to the nexy one so I know this a blip, not a return to short luteal phase.

Statistically pregnant

Yesterday I had a REALLY high temp for me, at 37.0... It was followed yesterday evening by a gush of bright red blood when I went to the loo. Obviously I'm hoping it was implantation spotting, but I thought that was pinky brown usually, and I didn't expect so much. I was unsure whether to mark it as start of next cycle! And of course 5dpo may well be too early. Although as I fell pregnant last time with only a 6 day luteal phase my experience suggests otherwise.

So I did what I always do in this situation. I mither on fertility friend. Having read the detailed interpretation of my chart over and over (too early to know... go figure), I head to the statistical part of the site, which is far more open to wild speculation.

Normally, I get about a 35% likelihood of pregnancy based on charts like mind, and only matching ovulation date. It rises to about 40% with good timing. If I try to match on pre or post ovulation temperatures, I usually don't see any results or the probabilities plummet.

Today when I checked I had a 50% probability of pregnancy based on ovulation date and timing. So I chanced matching post ovulation temps too, and the odds went up to 80%. What about charts that matched my pre o temps too? 100% pregnant charts. Only 2 charts in total, but that's good odds right?

So statistically I must be pregnant. Statistically, I am due in December...

Statistically, statistics are unreliable. Only a few more days til I can test.

4dpo... Early insanity

<p>Our timing was perfect this month. The only day we missed was O+1, which I'm not convinced has an effect anyway. Even <a href="http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1c3ea5">fertility friend</a> gave us a "high" for our efforts.</p>
<p>This all means we're going bit insane, counting magpies and seeing signs. I'm still struggling to really believe it will ever happen, but wishes are so strong that the insanity of the 2 week wait seems worse, not better this month. I'm left desperately hoping there aren't any signs to cling on to as I think it might actually send me over the edge.

We've had a busy couple of months and nothing seems to be happening here, so you haven't missed much by my lack of communication. Mr still hasn't rung the doctor about getting tests, so I'm no closer to getting any help myself. It's a pretty new experience for him, and while he's happy to do it, I think there is a part of him that is reluctant when we're so certain the problem lies with me. I will make him do it, but I'm struggling to feel motivated.

On the bright side, I'm pretty sure I ovulated yesterday in which case we have near perfect timing this month.

(C) Pregnantish. All rights reserved.

I joke about conceiving on Mothers Day, and how it's sod's law that the baby would be due at Christmas... but I don't really believe I am any more likely to fall pregnant this month despite our efforts.

I had one of those miserable days yesterday, which to the outside world, probably looked like pmt.

First I got a line on a test. A very pale one, a shadow almost... Then it disappeared as it dried. I know all about evaps but having taken rather a lot of these pregnancy tests and never had one, I couldn't help but be hopeful.

Then I started spotting bright red, so I figured the game was up. I was a little disappointed, but prepared for it.

And then it stopped. What the...?

So this morning I was cautiously hopeful again. Well, kind of - I did check whether I was spotting before I did the test. Which I was, but only a little bit.

So I tested anyway. And got another BFN.

So that's conclusive. I'm out for another month. As Mr said, "maybe a November baby".

Time for a little help?

I spoke to my G.P this morning about my ttc worries.

He took me seriously, and was willing to help, but things are complicated by the fact I'm waiting for another op that I won't be able to have if I fall pregnant. I've already been waiting for 6 months, and will have to wait again for another procedure after that. The limbo has already gone on for so long that delaying ttc seems ridiculous - all being normal, I could conceive and give birth by the time I get a date for this op!

Of course, all isn't normal. We agreed that I almost certainly ovulate, but that there is a chance there are other underlying factors (consistently low temps & short luteal phase being obvious symptoms) and a likelihood of my having endometriosis again which may mean another laparoscopy. Either way, first step is testing for Mr.

We are limited in the help we can get as I already have a child. There is no hope of IVF on the NHS whatever they find.

My doctor asked the question I've been avoiding asking myself - if we go ahead with this, will my body cope with a laparoscopy and subsequent pregnancy if I don't get my back op first?

The truth is I don't know. Something else to dwell on while I wait for AF.

10dpo

Despite all my best plans to wait until tomorrow to test, and then only if my temp went up again (it dropped to 36.5 today), I couldn't resist and tested this morning.

BFN.

I had a tiny bit of spotting too, so unless my temps stabilise or pick up, I'm guessing I'm on the road to AF again. In the meantime I've made it hard on myself by testing too early despite being big enough and ugly enough to know better.

Anyway, I'm sitting in the doctor's surgery and am finally getting up the courage to ask for help again, albeit as an aside to another issue. I'm not sure how far I'm prepared to go with assistancthis time, but maybe there's something else I could be doing.

So my crosshairs have moved to day 15, which seems a lot more reasonable and gives us much better timing. The only thing is that this month's 2ww feels at least 3 weeks long.

I've figured out that my luteal phase lengthening doesn't seem to change my cycle length, which stays around 28 days. So if this month works out, I'm expecting about a 14 day luteal phase. Which would be good. I can probably test in about 5 days and be sure of the result.

Mr is starting to get used the idea of a struggle to conceive. It's a new experience for him as his two eldest were easy, and no.1 for us together was a surprise after a long time trying with my ex. I can tell it's playing on his mind as when I walked into the room holding pens, his first thought was pregnancy tests!

I'm beginning to think he may try for a bit longer so it may be worth going through all the tests again to get help. At least with a longer than 6 day lp, the day 21 progesterone test will be easier to time.

As for symptoms, not a lot, although I have had some cramps today. My temps are good and went back up to 36.7 today but I'm trying to avoid wishful thinking. Having dwelled on my charts far too much over the last few months, I can say with some certainty that the only difference between a pregnancy chart and an ovulatory chart is the test result...

Maybe this month my test will come.

Reliance

I can't log into Fertility Friend this morning. I've tried the mobile app and that's not working either. My chart this month is off the wall, FF currently has crosshairs for ovulation at day 9, which seems unlikely, but I've almost certainly ovulated now as I've had a load of high temps.

My temp this morning is 36.3... I NEED to add it to my chart. I NEED to consult my technological charting guru! Now!

Edit: They've let me in. Any thoughts on this chart?

Reliance

I can't log into Fertility Friend this morning. I've tried the mobile app and that's not working either. My chart this month is off the wall, FF currently has crosshairs for ovulation at day 9, which seems unlikely, but I've almost certainly ovulated now as I've had a load of high temps.

My temp this morning is 36.3... I NEED to add it to my chart. I NEED to consult my technological charting guru! Now!

I've kind of given up blogging about everything the last couple of months. I don't feel like this baby is going to happen right now. And right now is all we have.

I'm 13dpo today and still I'm only spotting - less than I was yesterday too. The signs are positive but I'm too scared to test as I already tested at 8dpo and 10dpo and both were BFNs. I didn't test this morning so am now trying to hold for 4hrs so I can test this afternoon but it's going to take a lot of courage to actually do it.

Realistically, the result can't get any worse, but it's those bloody glimmers of hope that cause most pain. Just when you're almost resigned to defeat, they come and grab you and make your heart beat faster again.

Please, please, please let it be good this time.

Day 1

Enough said...

Not too disappointed that I'm not pregnant, but gutted that my luteal phase was only 9 days. Hopefully just a blip from all the stress.

Another middling temp... 36.4

And the rather odd feeling of not being able to identify any symptoms at all to tick on Fertility Friend... Except spotting of course.

That'll be 9dpo then.

Been a while

Quite a long while in fact. I haven't been very good at posting lately. On any blog.

Of course it's partly because we're moving, which is incredibly exciting but there is so much to do I can't think straight for long enough to complete a cup of tea, let alone write something intelligible.

And here... well there's not a lot to say after a while is there. If I labelled my blog posts by cycle day, I could probably just go back and pick an old one and post it again. They call them cycles for a reason.

So here I am again 8dpo and symptom spotting. But this month it is a bit different as I know that we are unlikely to have conceived this month as we got our first ever "Low" on Fertility Friend. Much as we did the best we could with the time available, it does feel a little like a bad report from school. Must try harder.

The reality is that statistically, we've probably still got about a 30% chance of pregnancy as we did manage to babydance in the fertile window. But as I don't fall pregnant easily even when we've had LOTS of sex (40% chance. Fertility geek...) in my mind I've already ruled it out.

As a result I'm feeling much less stressed than usual. Except that I started spotting yesterday. And I'm still spotting today. And I'm only 8dpo so it really shouldn't be my period yet as my luteal phase has been much longer than that for months now. Although it could be as I've been under a lot of stress. And I can't rely on temps as I forgot yesterday. And yesterday's temp would have been wrong anyway as I only got 2hrs sleep. And today's temp could go either way.

Situation normal after all really! If I'm honest, my chart looks like one that's about to go off a cliff and into the "red zone". Which is fine, because I wasn't expecting anything this month anyway and it just means our next chance comes sooner.

(C) Pregnantish. All rights reserved.

So why can I not stop the naive little voices in my head going, "you bled all the way through last time" and "there's still a chance..."?

So this month is probably out already. I'll try to post my chart at some point tomorrow, but we're getting ready to move house and have barely managed to sleep in the same room at the same time, and that's pretty obvious from the chart. I don't have crosshairs yet, but I reckon we hit O-3 at best.

On the bright side, I suppose if by some miracle I fall pregnant, we can be pretty sure of the date of conception!

Getting my hopes up

I hate this time of the month. I was 12dpo this morning and due to my naturally short and now lengthened but unstable luteal phase, I really have no idea when my period is due. Anywhere between 8 and 13 days is normal.

I tested this morning on my "official" test date and got bfn. Disappointing, especially as the spotting I've had the last few days has stopped. I was also so nauseous that I was actually sick last night, and dell asleep on the sofa at about 830. In fact Mr couldn't wake me, and I didn't stir til 730 this morning!

So I think I might be coming down with something... Am so fed up - if I'm going to feel this rubbish, give me the pregnancy to go with it!

Looking up

Finally things feel a bit more hopeful, and the rainbow I saw last week summed it up perfectly.

I may actually get voluntary redundancy approved at work - it's not exactly my ideal world scenario, as it's not a lot of money, and means I will be unemployed for the first time in my life, but at least I get a chance to move on and get away from all the stress.

Mr is still very stressed, but we've had a heart to heart and agreed that if redundnacy goes through, we can move to a different rental house. Nothing fancy, but it will be mould free and have enough bedrooms. It's a halfway house (literally) to what we really want but it's a step in the right direction, which feels great.

For me, the stress reduction, although I'm still in negotiations, has been instant. My acupuncturist commented on the change and also did something this week that he felt may change my cycle. As usual, he didn't exactly explain how or why, but so far, everything he's done has felt positive so I'm inclined to trust.

On the TTC front, we've done rather well on the babydancing front, but I ran out of my precious Floradix at the beginning of the month and, as I read somewhere that B6 can delay ovulation, thought I'd wait til then to restock. Of course, that meant I forgot to get any, so I've been taking a B-complex tablet in the hope it will do a similar job.

(C) Pregnantish. All rights reserved.

I think there may be some truth in it delaying ovulation as Fertility Friend has me ovulating at day 16, which is very early for me, so I'll be taking it from mid-month only in future.

My test date should be Saturday, but with the acupuncture effect I should probably wait a bit longer. Not going to happen, as it's 7dpo and I'm already twitching at the test packets, but I probably should...

Silent Sunday: 09/10/2011

(C) Pregnantish. All rights reserved.

Talking about sex?

Today I finally got my crosshairs, which was a relief, as having only temped all month I didn't have any other data to crosscheck my slightly rocky temps with.

And the bonus prize:

(C) Pregnantish. All rights reserved

Our babydancing got an A++! We are a little gutted about O-3 *hangs head in shame*. Not sure what happened there, but as we were expecting O around day 18, still pretty impressive.

Timing had to be good this month as we managed to have sex at least every other day despite Mr's trip away. Which, in case you hadn't realised, I'm more than a little proud of. Obviously not something I can really tell my mum, my "real-life" friends or the lady at the shop I usually share random good news with.

So I'm sharing it here :) And I don't even feel the need for a TMI alert. Because as any self-respecting TTCer knows, TMI means particularly detailed CM descriptions, or freaky symptoms. It's not general chitchat about how often you have sex, in which positions, and whether you stick a pillow under your bum afterwards.

TTC forums have to be the only place where you would share that level of detail and then accept compliments on your sex life from complete strangers. Got to love t'internet...

Long time, no write

It's been a while since I've written anything here. Things have improved a little since my meltdown at the beginning of the month but this month still feels a bit like going through the motions.

This month obviously started oddly, with what turned out to be a very short but very intense period - it felt as if I had everything condensed into one morning. It was terrifying, and very draining, but ultimately probably quite cleansing so I'm trying to see it as a positive (and desperately hoping it doesn't happen again...)

I'm expecting to ovulate tomorrow or Wednesday, praying for Wednesday as Mr is away tonight. We've done well managing to BD every day for the last few days so all being well, our timing will be good despite the trip away.

That said, it does feel as if the odds are against us this month. Not only did Mr schedule a work trip in the most likely 2 days for ovulation, but my acupuncturist is on holiday until the weekend so if I fall pregnant this month my body will be going it alone. I'm just recording temps and anything really obvious rather than trying to chart cervical changes and mucus. My temps are usually pretty clear and it means that by the time I am sure I've ovulated I'm already 3 or 4 days past ovulation, which makes the wait slightly more bearable.

I am still waiting on a letter from work which is likely to be lifechanging in one way or another. In a situation where the best possible outcome appears to be redundancy, I've got to the stage that I just want it over so I can move on. Mr is waiting on legal papers for other reasons and as a result we seem to be alternating between griping at each other and desperately clinging to each other.

By the end of this week, I should know one way or the other and by Christmas we could be on a very different path. Fingers crossed that sometime between now and then my body decides to cooperate and we have something positive to keep us on track.