I am really struggling today. It's nothing to do with TTC really but, like TTC, I can't write about it anywhere else. My parents and my partner read my other blog, and they are already beyond stressed.
I feel like everything is closing in on me. I have a career that I love which I can't get back to due to sickness and a particularly closed minded boss, who won't try to support me to do some of my job from home. Until they decide my fate, I can't get any benefits or apply for other jobs and I hate them for doing this to me and my family when I made myself ill trying to meet their expectations while pregnant. It wouldn't bother me if financially I didn't need to work, as I could play SAHM with the best of them. But I do need to work - not for luxuries but for basics, as over half of Mr's salary goes on old debts and to his ex. Again, I wouldn't mind so much if she was working at all hard or if that money was actually going on caring for the kids. But she doesn't. And it doesn't. And my daughter is missing out on things that her brother and sister took, and still take for granted, like swimming and special days out. And she is missing out on me. And she is missing out on Mr, who is so stressed that he seems barely aware of her most days.
This morning there was a mass exodus and no.1 visibly shrank as they all disappeared on her again. She was grotty for breakfast and I was impatient. For the first time since she started there, I dropped her off at childcare and instead of running in without a backwards glance, she clung to me and refused to let go.
And all the time, while I hugged her and held her and tried to make it better, I could feel blood flooding my tampon and my jeans. For some reason, my body has chosen today to flood so heavily that even a super tampon is only good enough for 20 minutes. I feel dizzy and am scared I am going to have to ask Mr to come home as I won't be able to pick no.1 up.
Sorry for the TMI and sorry for the rant. I already feel slightly better.