Day 1

Enough said...

Not too disappointed that I'm not pregnant, but gutted that my luteal phase was only 9 days. Hopefully just a blip from all the stress.

Another middling temp... 36.4

And the rather odd feeling of not being able to identify any symptoms at all to tick on Fertility Friend... Except spotting of course.

That'll be 9dpo then.

Been a while

Quite a long while in fact. I haven't been very good at posting lately. On any blog.

Of course it's partly because we're moving, which is incredibly exciting but there is so much to do I can't think straight for long enough to complete a cup of tea, let alone write something intelligible.

And here... well there's not a lot to say after a while is there. If I labelled my blog posts by cycle day, I could probably just go back and pick an old one and post it again. They call them cycles for a reason.

So here I am again 8dpo and symptom spotting. But this month it is a bit different as I know that we are unlikely to have conceived this month as we got our first ever "Low" on Fertility Friend. Much as we did the best we could with the time available, it does feel a little like a bad report from school. Must try harder.

The reality is that statistically, we've probably still got about a 30% chance of pregnancy as we did manage to babydance in the fertile window. But as I don't fall pregnant easily even when we've had LOTS of sex (40% chance. Fertility geek...) in my mind I've already ruled it out.

As a result I'm feeling much less stressed than usual. Except that I started spotting yesterday. And I'm still spotting today. And I'm only 8dpo so it really shouldn't be my period yet as my luteal phase has been much longer than that for months now. Although it could be as I've been under a lot of stress. And I can't rely on temps as I forgot yesterday. And yesterday's temp would have been wrong anyway as I only got 2hrs sleep. And today's temp could go either way.

Situation normal after all really! If I'm honest, my chart looks like one that's about to go off a cliff and into the "red zone". Which is fine, because I wasn't expecting anything this month anyway and it just means our next chance comes sooner.

(C) Pregnantish. All rights reserved.

So why can I not stop the naive little voices in my head going, "you bled all the way through last time" and "there's still a chance..."?

So this month is probably out already. I'll try to post my chart at some point tomorrow, but we're getting ready to move house and have barely managed to sleep in the same room at the same time, and that's pretty obvious from the chart. I don't have crosshairs yet, but I reckon we hit O-3 at best.

On the bright side, I suppose if by some miracle I fall pregnant, we can be pretty sure of the date of conception!

Getting my hopes up

I hate this time of the month. I was 12dpo this morning and due to my naturally short and now lengthened but unstable luteal phase, I really have no idea when my period is due. Anywhere between 8 and 13 days is normal.

I tested this morning on my "official" test date and got bfn. Disappointing, especially as the spotting I've had the last few days has stopped. I was also so nauseous that I was actually sick last night, and dell asleep on the sofa at about 830. In fact Mr couldn't wake me, and I didn't stir til 730 this morning!

So I think I might be coming down with something... Am so fed up - if I'm going to feel this rubbish, give me the pregnancy to go with it!

Looking up

Finally things feel a bit more hopeful, and the rainbow I saw last week summed it up perfectly.

I may actually get voluntary redundancy approved at work - it's not exactly my ideal world scenario, as it's not a lot of money, and means I will be unemployed for the first time in my life, but at least I get a chance to move on and get away from all the stress.

Mr is still very stressed, but we've had a heart to heart and agreed that if redundnacy goes through, we can move to a different rental house. Nothing fancy, but it will be mould free and have enough bedrooms. It's a halfway house (literally) to what we really want but it's a step in the right direction, which feels great.

For me, the stress reduction, although I'm still in negotiations, has been instant. My acupuncturist commented on the change and also did something this week that he felt may change my cycle. As usual, he didn't exactly explain how or why, but so far, everything he's done has felt positive so I'm inclined to trust.

On the TTC front, we've done rather well on the babydancing front, but I ran out of my precious Floradix at the beginning of the month and, as I read somewhere that B6 can delay ovulation, thought I'd wait til then to restock. Of course, that meant I forgot to get any, so I've been taking a B-complex tablet in the hope it will do a similar job.

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I think there may be some truth in it delaying ovulation as Fertility Friend has me ovulating at day 16, which is very early for me, so I'll be taking it from mid-month only in future.

My test date should be Saturday, but with the acupuncture effect I should probably wait a bit longer. Not going to happen, as it's 7dpo and I'm already twitching at the test packets, but I probably should...

Silent Sunday: 09/10/2011

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Talking about sex?

Today I finally got my crosshairs, which was a relief, as having only temped all month I didn't have any other data to crosscheck my slightly rocky temps with.

And the bonus prize:

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Our babydancing got an A++! We are a little gutted about O-3 *hangs head in shame*. Not sure what happened there, but as we were expecting O around day 18, still pretty impressive.

Timing had to be good this month as we managed to have sex at least every other day despite Mr's trip away. Which, in case you hadn't realised, I'm more than a little proud of. Obviously not something I can really tell my mum, my "real-life" friends or the lady at the shop I usually share random good news with.

So I'm sharing it here :) And I don't even feel the need for a TMI alert. Because as any self-respecting TTCer knows, TMI means particularly detailed CM descriptions, or freaky symptoms. It's not general chitchat about how often you have sex, in which positions, and whether you stick a pillow under your bum afterwards.

TTC forums have to be the only place where you would share that level of detail and then accept compliments on your sex life from complete strangers. Got to love t'internet...

Long time, no write

It's been a while since I've written anything here. Things have improved a little since my meltdown at the beginning of the month but this month still feels a bit like going through the motions.

This month obviously started oddly, with what turned out to be a very short but very intense period - it felt as if I had everything condensed into one morning. It was terrifying, and very draining, but ultimately probably quite cleansing so I'm trying to see it as a positive (and desperately hoping it doesn't happen again...)

I'm expecting to ovulate tomorrow or Wednesday, praying for Wednesday as Mr is away tonight. We've done well managing to BD every day for the last few days so all being well, our timing will be good despite the trip away.

That said, it does feel as if the odds are against us this month. Not only did Mr schedule a work trip in the most likely 2 days for ovulation, but my acupuncturist is on holiday until the weekend so if I fall pregnant this month my body will be going it alone. I'm just recording temps and anything really obvious rather than trying to chart cervical changes and mucus. My temps are usually pretty clear and it means that by the time I am sure I've ovulated I'm already 3 or 4 days past ovulation, which makes the wait slightly more bearable.

I am still waiting on a letter from work which is likely to be lifechanging in one way or another. In a situation where the best possible outcome appears to be redundancy, I've got to the stage that I just want it over so I can move on. Mr is waiting on legal papers for other reasons and as a result we seem to be alternating between griping at each other and desperately clinging to each other.

By the end of this week, I should know one way or the other and by Christmas we could be on a very different path. Fingers crossed that sometime between now and then my body decides to cooperate and we have something positive to keep us on track.

Not Good

I am really struggling today. It's nothing to do with TTC really but, like TTC, I can't write about it anywhere else. My parents and my partner read my other blog, and they are already beyond stressed.

I feel like everything is closing in on me. I have a career that I love which I can't get back to due to sickness and a particularly closed minded boss, who won't try to support me to do some of my job from home. Until they decide my fate, I can't get any benefits or apply for other jobs and I hate them for doing this to me and my family when I made myself ill trying to meet their expectations while pregnant. It wouldn't bother me if financially I didn't need to work, as I could play SAHM with the best of them. But I do need to work - not for luxuries but for basics, as over half of Mr's salary goes on old debts and to his ex. Again, I wouldn't mind so much if she was working at all hard or if that money was actually going on caring for the kids. But she doesn't. And it doesn't. And my daughter is missing out on things that her brother and sister took, and still take for granted, like swimming and special days out. And she is missing out on me. And she is missing out on Mr, who is so stressed that he seems barely aware of her most days.

This morning there was a mass exodus and no.1 visibly shrank as they all disappeared on her again. She was grotty for breakfast and I was impatient. For the first time since she started there, I dropped her off at childcare and instead of running in without a backwards glance, she clung to me and refused to let go.

And all the time, while I hugged her and held her and tried to make it better, I could feel blood flooding my tampon and my jeans. For some reason, my body has chosen today to flood so heavily that even a super tampon is only good enough for 20 minutes. I feel dizzy and am scared I am going to have to ask Mr to come home as I won't be able to pick no.1 up.

Sorry for the TMI and sorry for the rant. I already feel slightly better.

She's coming

My temp dropped slightly yesterday and down to my normal 36.2 today. I knew it was likely to as I've taken my temp before bed the last couple of nights and it seems to be about half a degree lower than my morning temp. Last night it was 35.6.

This morning I woke up with cramps that are unmistakeable. I'm almost relieved, as I felt pretty certain I wasn't pregnant after yesterday's test, making a long luteal phase pretty redundant.

13 days is already my longest luteal phase ever, so I'd just like to get on with the next cycle now.

Spotting

The chart still looks good, but the spotting is getting worse so I'm pretty sure I'm out.

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Objectively, another 12 day luteal phase is great, but it is hard to cope with. When you're used to a short luteal phase, it's too easy to get your hopes up. The whole point of trying to extend my luteal phase is to fall pregnant and stay pregnant. Every month it doesn't happen is harder and harder.

Still waiting

It is now 11dpo and the test this morning was negative.

I started spotting very lightly this afternoon, but no cramps or any sign of a period yet. All I can do is test again tomorrow.

I'm torn between holding onto hope because I didn't test til 13dpo last pregnancy and my temps are still holding steady, and then not getting my hopes up because I've had a 12 day luteal phase once before and this could be the same again.

SUCH a pretty chart *sigh*. Well... after ovulation anyway!

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Test date

I am lying in bed, no.1 still asleep next to me. Trying to get up the guts to go and test and steeling myself for another negative.

It's no wonder we all feel nauseous this time of the month!

Surreal

I'm in the strange position, for the first time ever in my TTC history, of being just a few hours away from my "official" Fertility Friend test date.

In the past, my stats have been so varied that AF would come long before, so I would just ignore it and test anyway.

Right now, I have no spotting or period, and no signs that I might be pregnant. I already have 2 negative tests under my belt, and with a 12 day luteal phase once before, this could just be more of the same.

I can't help hoping though. Even in my pregnant cycle, I was spotting by now. At worst, the B6 and acupuncture is doing it's job. I think I tested positive on day 13 last time, and it was a definite line, so I have no idea when I would have first seen a faint positive if I'd tested earlier.

Does taking a TTC break work?

In case you are wondering whether a TTC break helps... here are my pros and cons...

GOOD:

• I did feel less panicky about the whole process.
• TTC didn't take over my whole day. I kept temping, but didn't rush to the loo mid-afternoon to use OPKs or check my cervix 5 times a day.
• I spent less on OPKs and tests.
• Having less data to enter into my chart on Fertility Friend meant I didn't look at the forums so much, which meant I didn't find more things I "should have done" to make this month successful.
• It made sod all difference to the timing of the babydancing, and made me want to make love more , not just babydance. Mind you, I wish I'd ovulated on day 12....

BAD:

• I avoided blogging too, which I find therapeutic.
• I didn't reply to comments on my blog in case it drew me into the whole TTC mania again. That's just downright rude. If you were one of the people who I didn't reply to, I'm sorry - all your comments were very much appreciated.
• I missed out on lots of news. At Why Can't This Be Easy, there is at last a pregnancy that seems to be sticky. At Muddling Along Mummy, a bad month, with another little one that wasn't strong enough to make it. These are people who support me, and I would have liked to have at least been able to return that favour by being there when they posted.
• If by some freak accident I should fall pregnant this month, I won't have the same detailed symptoms and information that I had last pregnancy. And if it's a girl, I won't be able to tell her about it when she is going through similar (please not the same...) issues.

Overall it was a good thing. I think TTC is like warm clothes... If you don't give it break once in a while, you won't feel the benefit when you go back to it.

Giving up giving up

I am now 10dpo with temps that have been remarkably stable since ovulation and I'm giving up on my TTC break. I went through my stats on Fertility Friend this morning and discarded all those before I started acupuncture and/or Floradix (inc. B6) properly. So, instead of my previous stats with a luteal phase between 6dpo and 12dpo, and a cycle length somewhere between 22days and 46 days.... I have some that really reflect my recent cycles, which means my average luteal phase is now borderline normal!

And guess what? Based on these stats, FF thinks I should test tomorrow!

So what did I do........?

Yep. You've guessed it.

I tested yesterday. And this morning. And both are BFNs.

You'd think I would have learned by now, wouldn't you?

Still, the chart looks nice. It follows my pregnancy chart very closely so far.

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Mind you, so did the one last month til it dropped off a cliff and I started bleeding... At least it's not long to wait now.

Eggwhite

I thought I was coping ok with my little ttc holiday. I've continued to temp, but I haven't used opks and there have been days where I have forgotten to temp, which was rather nice. I haven't been on the forums and I'm feeling pretty calm. The babydancing (or fancy free sex, as I'd like to think of it...) has been more frequent, which is a bonus too.

Until this morning. When I discovered eggwhite cm and lots of it. Combined with the temp drop this morning and the fact it's day 17, it looks like ovulation.

And that's when the calm facade dropped. I pulled Mr to one side and told him that we need to have sex TODAY.

Not an unreasonable request. Usually he'd be most happy to oblige. But the timing is really bad. We left the house at 730 this morning on a day trip to the wildlife park. We are staying at my parents tonight so will have to find a way of getting to bed early and doing the deed without waking no.1. And failure is not an option.

Typically this month, despite our renewed libidos, my chart doesn't look that great. We babydanced every day (sometimes twice) until a few days ago, when circumstances conspired to mean we have only managed every other day. If only this had happened a few days ago!

Taking a break

My temperature has been up and down through af and I am now have a sore throat which is going to make it hard to judge ovulation. To be honest I'm just tired of trying month after month. I used up the last of my opks and pregnancy tests last month and I've decided not to buy any more til October. I'll  continue to temp and chart as normal, but I don't want to have to think about pregnant or not pregnant this month.

We seem to get just as good timing when we don't try hard as when we do anyway. Maybe we'll get some luck...

Is this normal?

A bit shocked by the all the symptoms I'm still getting:

• Full feeling, swollen boobs
• Nausea
• Dizziness

I've had no cramps at all since AF started, and usually it's the other way round, with cramps building until AF eases a little. My periods are, other than the cramps and a little heavy bleeding, pretty much symptom free.

My temp dropped right down yesterday and is back up again today so I did a mad thing this morning and tested during my period. It was, of course, a BFN, but at least I know for sure. Realistically, the way I'm bleeding now a positive test would be irrelevant.

Could these just be the effects of a normal cycle? In which case, how does anyone ever identify pregnancy symptoms, and how do they cope with it every month??

The difference a day makes

Driving myself mad

I'm going insane here. I've had a very stressful day with work and have to prepare for a meeting tomorrow where I know I'm going to be feel threatened and isolated.

I've had stomach cramps since late last night and the spotting has stopped and started. I think it definitely counts as a 10 day luteal phase now, which is borderline normal, and I've been feeling nauseous. All classic pregnancy symptoms which make me hope even against the more logical conclusion and which made me so insane that I tried testing again this evening. Obviously a BFN...

Thing is, they are not my classic pregnancy symptoms - I only felt sick towards the end of the 1st trimester last time and I didn't have cramps. Only the spotting suggests possible pregnancy, and it feels far more like the start of AF than anything else.

They could just as easily be stress symptoms. I guess I'll know for sure tomorrow morning and then I can get on with next cycle, hopeful from a less stressful place.

10dpo: Spotting

I tested yesterday and today on internet cheapies and both were BFN.

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After the cramps I had all evening, I started spotting about midnight last night so I suspect I'm out for this month.

It hasn't turned to full on bleeding yet, and my temperature is still up, but I'm not holding out much hope. I'll keep testing until AF comes, just in case.

On the bright side, I got past 8 days again, and if I can hold out til tomorrow, I will have made it to a 10+ day luteal phase for the second time ever!

Dreams

Mr had a dream last night that I was pregnant - he asked me to do a test, but luckily I'd already been to the loo, and it's much too early to expect any kind of result in the middle of the day, so I wasn't too tempted.

I am feeling a little hot, and a little "full breasted" (not fizzy boobed, you understand, although that's already been disproved as a symptom for me), but I think that's the weather rather than anything more exciting.

Rocking the Stats...

In the absence of any real reason for logging into Fertility Friend 5 times a day, I have been spending a lot of time looking at other peoples' charts.

It's not exactly a scientific cross section, but I was surprised to see how good the odds actually are:

• Across all the charts in the FF database, 36% of charts result in pregnancy (or miscarriage).
• With our intercourse pattern, the odds go up and 42% of charts end in pregnancy or miscarriage.

That struck me as  a pretty good chance, so I started to look at "charts like mine", and this is what I found out:

• 39% of charts that FF thinks look like mine result in pregnancy or miscarriage.
• Matching our intercourse pattern, the odds go up to 44%

Theoretically my chances are pretty good - makes me wonder why I'm struggling so much to conceive. Then I added those critical keywords "With Short Luteal Phase <10" and the stats fell off a cliff, or rather all 33% of the positive tests were miscarriages.

Depressing stuff. It does make the acupuncture and Floradix seem even more important though - statistically, just a few days more in that luteal phase and our odds up a positive pregnancy test go up 11%. The odds of that pregnancy being sticky go up massively.

If this goes well, this will be our third cycle with a longer than usual luteal phase, although only one has been more than 10 days. Fingers crossed!

Feeling Emotional

I'm 7dpo now, so halfway through the 2ww. In reality I'm more than halfway, as I'll probably end up testing day 12 or 13 if I get that far. I'm already wishing the days away.

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My temps are still looking good, but not noticeably different from a normal month either, so it's certainly not screaming pregnant. It's tempting to look at that dip at 3dpo and fantasise about early implantation dips, but I don't think so. I am hoping I get at least a 10 day luteal phase though, regardless of the outcome.

I haven't had any major symptoms yet either, which of course hasn't stopped me logging into Fertility Friend obsessively every couple of hours in case I've missed something. If I don't come up with a symptom soon I'm going to have to start testing just to have something to chart!

In the meantime, I've been staring at the chart gallery trying to find hope in the stats and watching my points creep up on the Early Pregnancy Signs Estimator (currently at 23...).

Crosshairs!!

At last... I was right to think I had ovulated.

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The temps are very odd, but I'm relieved to see those solid lines as I was beginning to think this cycle was anovulatory which would have been gutting.

Our timing wasn't bad - twice the morning of ovulation, makes me feel much better that we missed a couple of days either side.

I'm trying to wait until day 31 to test, so there's no uncertainty. Realistically, I'll probably start testing on day 29 (19th August) - not long now at least!

Day 20: What the....?

I give up.

I have absolutely no idea what's going on.

My temp yesterday was 36.4, an indifferent kind of number that falls between pre and post ovulation temps. This morning, I was 36.2, a number I think of as my own personal baseline - normal, decidedly pre-ovulation.

I wouldn't normally be so much confused as disappointed. Before the magic needles, I consistently ovulated on day 22, but all the other signs point to ovulation a couple of days ago, but without that thermal shift, still no cigar.

I used my last opk yesterday and I'm down to virtually no line after a very clear positive and I'm at a bit of a loss now. We're still baby dancing, but from what felt like really good timing,we're now in more of an average cycle.

Ovulation...ish

I think I ovulated yesterday. My temp has gone up a bit today, but not enough to feel certain, and of course I won't get any ff crosshairs for a couple of days yet.

I was feeling all confident but I've suddenly got lots of eggwhite cm, which makes me think we should be babydancing right now this minute... I'm at physio and Mr's picking up no.1 so that's neither practical or logical... but that's ttc for you...

Ovulation!

No temperature rise yet, but I'm pretty sure I'm ovulating RIGHT NOW! I usually get a dip on the day of ovulation, so with the positive OPK 2 days ago, we're looking good.

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The only downside is that I couldn't have acupuncture yesterday. The roads were closed and a 4 hour round trip to get there just wasn't practical. I've rescheduled for next week. Hopefully it will still do some good in the luteal phase.

It sounds really stupid, but I'm really excited about that temperature rise happening this month. Our timing's pretty good, except for a blip yesterday, ovulation is early, and I've taken Floradix all month so the B6 should be helping too.

It's one of those months when you know you've done everything you can do. I'm feeling positive about a longer luteal phase this time so I don't plan to test until at least 13dpo and that takes some of the pressure off.

Woohoo! Any day now!

Just did an opk and the second line was the same colour as the first. I'm still a novice with these tests so I'm not 100% sure whether it will get darker again or fade out, but either way, I should ovulate soon.
I love it when I actually manage to second guess my body!
It's now day 15 so I'm definitely in line for early ovulation, which bodes well for a longer luteal phase. Best I stock up on floradix as I'm nearly out.

OPKs

I've broken out the OPKs. My temps have flattened out slightly and have been in my normal range for 3 days now.

I have a feeling that I will ovulate Sunday, if not before. There is no logic to this theory, except that I have acupuncture on Saturday. Fertility Friend's OPK Optimiser reckoned I should wait til Sunday to start using them... but I just have a hunch.

I got a pale line yesterday and will test again in a couple of hours.

Work is stressful, and I am tired. Mr is exhausted and struggling. We really need some good news this month to take our minds off everything else that's going on.

13 dpo: Anyone's guess

My temps are still all over the place. I think pinpointing ovulation by temperatures alone is going to be difficult this month so I've broken out the OPKs already. The earliest I've ovulated is day 15 - no sign yet but with luck I'll catch it. In the meantime we are babydancing with a vengeance!

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CD8: "Rocky" temps

It's another odd month so far. My temps came down very quickly but I spotted on and off until yesterday, when my temp went sky high. It was 36.5 yesterday and today, which usually means I've ovulated. That's pretty unlikely, so combined with the general nausea I'm feeling, I guess I'm coming down with something.

And the only thing I can think about is how inconvenient that will be when I'm trying to chart...

CD4......

Yep. She came. No surprises there really.

Despite the fizzy boobs moment, I couldn't quite get myself to believe. It appears it is possible for me to get fizzy boobs when I'm not pregnant (or at least convincing imaginary ones), so that's my one concrete pregnancy symptom debunked...

My temps have been surprising stable the last few days, so I'll see where this month takes me. I'm taking my Floradix religiously - I've been feeling a bit under the weather the last few days so if nothing else, I might feel a bit more perky.

Acupuncture tomorrow! :)

Waiting

My temp dropped again this morning and it looks like a pretty textbook ovulatory cycle. I'm expecting AF any time now. Will pop out and buy a new bottle of Floradix later as the one I was given was yeast & gluten free and doesn't taste the same.

Fizzy Boobs

Oh Lord.

I have fizzy boobs.

I'm sorry. I know it sounds like some dodgy Willy Wonka-esque sweetie, but it's the only way I can decribe them.

What's worse is that I think the fizzy boobs are probably in my head because I've been worrying too much about the bleeding / lack of bleeding and I've started thinking I might not be out yet... which of course means I might actually be "in".

Ignore, ignore, ignore. I... will... not... POAS..

In other news... my lucky Floradix

When I fell pregnant last time, we joked about my lucky Floradix (for those of you that don't know the brand, Floradix is a liquid vitamin and iron tonic). I had been feeling run down and had managed to get a giant bottle for just £5 at Waitrose. I'd been dutifully taking it every day for about a month and a half when I fell pregnant in a crazy cycle where I spotted/bled from ovulation day onwards and we thought it was AF.

I've been dithering about buying some again for a while, although the price has been putting me off, and my best mate gave me a bottle yesterday that she had barely started so I'm back on it again.

Reading the label, it seems that there might be science in my superstition as Floradix includes a good dose of B6, which supports the luteal phase!

I hate my body!

(But not in a poor role model for my daughter, wanting plastic surgery kind of a way)

So last night the blood wasn't there. I figured the tampon could have stemmed the flow. But it's still not there this morning. I am period-free.

My temp was still up this morning. Of course that's not conclusive, as my temps are all over the place for the first week of my cycle and there is normally a dip. I've swapped my "light flow" to a "spotting" on Fertility Friend and will see what happens now.

So I might not be out after all, or my period might start properly later, or tomorrow, or the day after...

8dpo: It's all over

Been spotting for 2 days now and this morning I woke up to red blood. It was enough to make me use a tampon, so I guess it's all over for this month.

It's really depressing as it looks like the acupuncture has not only done nothing to lengthen my luteal phase this month, but it's actually a day shorter at only 7 days!

I wasn't expecting it at all as my temperature was still well above the coverline this morning and I haven't had any period-like feelings. I guess the big temperature drop will come tomorrow.

Proof...

Proof it's possible. We haven't managed it since 2008... and the second one was my pregnancy cycle :D

Nearly halfway there

I am now 6dpo and nearly halfway to my test date. My temps went down yesterday and today, but are still above the coverline. This morning's could have been affected by a late night and an early morning. Difficult to know...

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Symptoms-wise, I had some spotting this morning, but that's not all that unusual and I wouldn't say the dip in temps was an implantation dip. I've also been feeling a bit nauseous. I'm inclined to think that has more to do with the large bar of Dairy Milk I ate earlier in one sitting than any pregancy related issues. It's a little early for cravings and I don't think chocolate counts.

Surprisingly, I'm feeling pretty calm this month. I have no idea when my period is due, as I have no clue how long my luteal phase should be. It could be that my temps are heading downwards towards AF in a couple of days, or it could be a blip and they'll be up again tomorrow. I won't be getting too hopeful if I go over 8 days again this time as I know it could just be the acupuncture doing its work so there's no real temptation to test early.

Despite getting another"good" on the babydancing timing from Fertility Friend, half of me feels we need to get a "high" to be in with a chance, and despite our best efforts, we missed that this month. I'm already thinking in terms of next month, which takes the pressure off.

Here I am again

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Yay! I ovulated on day 18. It was only a dotted line and, slightly obsessively, I felt the need to add a false OPK result on the day I missed to make it a definite. I wouldn't do it if I wasn't sure, but the dots just irritate me...

It's not quite such an early ovulation as last month, but if I get another 12 day luteal phase, then it will be a 30 day cycle, which is what it has been since no.1 was born.

As I really don't know how long my luteal phase is going to be, I don't want to waste my energy testing too early so I'm going to really try not to test until 13dpo, which is 25th July. I don't want to get my hopes up. Of course, if I start getting any symptoms, all bets are off!

Ouch!

My temperature is still vaguely up today, so I'm assuming I ovulated day 18 for now. We're still babydancing regularly so timing shouldn't really be an issue if I didn't, and I really can't deal with the idea that I might have gone straight back to my normal cycle pattern after a 12 day luteal phase last month.

What really isn't normal is that I've got serious stomach cramps. I have noticed over the last few months that I do get a "feeling" on the left side just above my hip bone around ovulation. I can't really pinpoint it, but it does seem to be related to my cycle. I've had that too today, but this isn't the same. This is the sort of pain that makes you stop what you're doing, curl up and clutch your belly.

I'm not in agony, obviously, but it's more like bad period pain (which I don't get often) than anything else. Very odd indeed.

At least if my temperature is still up tomorrow, Fertility Friend will give me an ovulation date and I can get on with the kind of 2ww obsessing that I'm more used to. Always nice to have a little bit of routine after the drama ;)

Did I? Didn't I?

I'm used to the horrors of the 2ww, convincing myself that this is the month and imagining pregnancy symptoms left, right & centre but not knowing when I'm ovulating is driving me insane!

Before the acupuncture, I was ovulating reliably on day 22. Admittedly, in a 30 day cycle, that's not really a good thing, but I'm beginning to see the positives of that reliability.

This month I just haven't a clue. I thought I ovulated a few days ago on day 15, but then my temps went back to a nice steady 36.2 again, so I can't have done. My OPK was a little darker the day before yesterday, I wasn't able to test yesterday and today it's lighter again, so that's no help.

I had an acupuncture session yesterday and this morning my temp went up to 36.7, which is nearly a fever by my standards and also lines up with my CM, but of course I now need to wait for a couple of days to be sure that this is really it. To make it worse, I had a tiny bit of red blood today, which must mean something...

If it is, our timing has been good but I really need to know now as I don't think I can cope with any more waiting this month. I feel like I should be breaking out the pregnancy tests already!

Ovulation

I think I might have ovulated yesterday which would have been day 15, so it looks like the magic needles are doing their work. My temperature went up this morning but... because no.1 woke up at 4.45 asking to sit on the potty, I hadn't had enough solid sleep when I temped the day before yesterday and I think it was unusually high as a result. Fertility Friend now reckons I ovulated 3 days ago so I'm not 100%. I was leaving the OPKs til today, so that's pretty inconclusive too.

I'm pretty sure FF is wrong, but if they're not then we are already out this month as between Mr's trip away and my sleepiness our timing was completely off. If I ovulated yesterday then we're OK. We only babydanced on O and O+1 but if my luteal phase is the only problem, then theoretically it should be good enough.

Normally I'd wait and see as my luteal phase is pretty consistent at 8 days, but now I'm not sure what to do. I think I'm going to assume I'm right about yesterday and act as if I'm in with a chance, although honestly I have low expectations of this month.

All being well, I'm going to try and wait til day 12, which is the longest luteal phase I've ever had, before testing. Day 12 also falls on 21st July, which is when no.1 was due.

Broody as hell!

Mr is back and I haven't ovulated yet, so we're still in the game.

We're clearly both feeling a little broody - my best mate is due very soon and we both got clucky over some lovely little suits in Mothercare today. This stripey knitted one nearly sent me over the edge... there is nothing quite like a snuggly baby in a really soft sleepsuit!

This is what it takes for me to fall pregnant!

I have been looking at my pregnancy chart from no.1 and it's pretty obvious that we were in the early stages of a relationship....

That little line at the top is where I ovulated but I'd say it was the combination of a random cycle (possibly helped by Floradix?) and some erm... "good" timing that might have done it.

Bearing in mind how many cycles it might take to get lucky, if this is what it takes, I really hope we've still got it in us!

After days of wishing for early ovulation, I'm in the odd position of wishing it away.

It's now day 13 and Mr is working away until tomorrow night. I've been exhausted and falling asleep by about 9pm for the last couple of days so if I ovulate before Sunday, I figure we've got no chance this cycle at all as our timing will be off.

Fingers crossed for a day 16/17 ovulation now so we can get plenty of babydancing in between!

The Infertility Hierarchy

There are a few things guaranteed to raise the blood pressure of a woman struggling with fertility issues.

There's the couple who "just fell pregnant, just like that", who giggle about how they "must just be like... really fertile". Then there's the couple who seem indifferent to the pregnancy and their baby, continuing to smoke and drink throughout who still manage to have a healthy baby (not that you would wish anything different, obviously, but when you're feeling guilty for that coffee you had just after ovulation it doesn't seem very fair). There are those who were just born lucky, who tell everyone the minute they fall pregnant and seem never to worry about it or imagine the worst. There are the people who assume you don't want a baby, and there are the people who not only assume they know what you want, but then have the cheek to question it and berate you for it.

But worse then any of those are the ones who confide that they too are struggling, who talk to you about "trying" and "waiting" and, when you are drawn in by the sense of shared suffering, tell you that it's been 3 months now and not even a sign...*screams a silent scream*

I am also one of "those women" - I have already been blessed with a beautiful, healthy child who, after years of trying, appeared by accident early in a relationship that luckily turned out to be stable. But I'm greedy and I want another. Not only that, I know that we don't have much time before Mr feels too old to care for a young child, so after 7 or 8 months I'm already impatient. The intensity of wanting hasn't changed, just because I am already lucky. If anything, the desire for a child is even stronger as I know time is running out.

I can't get over this feeling that I am a fake in the eyes of other women who have been trying for much longer, and that my pregnancy cancelled out the years of trying and that I now have to start from scratch and earn my right to post on the fertility forums again.

In the end I posted a poll on one of those forums asking how long into your TTC journey is it reasonable to say you have fertility issues. Just over 100 people voted, and the consensus was that if you have been trying for a year or more, then it is not unreasonable to describe yourself that way.

3-6 months		5%
1 year		80%
2-3 years		12%
4 years or more		0%
IUI/IVF/ICSI only		0%

Reading the answers gave me real comfort. I classed myself as having issues (never as infertile, as it feels too hopeless) after 2-3 years of TTC, at about the same point as I got referred for testing. While a lot of people agreed, someone shared the following medical advice:

"Reproductive endocrinologists, the doctors specializing in infertility, will consider a couple infertile and eligible for treatment if:

• a woman under 35 has not conceived after 12 months of contraceptive-free intercourse. Twelve months is the lower reference limit for Time to Pregnancy (TTP) by the World Health Organization.
• a woman over 35 has not conceived after 6 months of contraceptive-free sexual intercourse."

"Alternatively, the NICE guidelines define infertility as failure to conceive after regular unprotected sexual intercourse for 2 years in the absence of known reproductive pathology" 

So many women posted that they were sure they had problems long before they felt they could approach their doctor - I would have had more confidence asking for a referral if I had been aware of these guidelines.

There is certainly a hierarchy of infertility. Even when you acknowledge each other as infertile, there is an understanding that the longer you have been trying, the worse it is. It's an understandable and often justifiable snobbery, but I think it does sometimes leave women who maybe haven't been trying so long, and who are afraid of offending, out in the cold.

Infertility has so many facets that you really can't know what someone else is dealing with unless you can walk in their shoes. A woman who wants children, thinks there may be an issue but is not in a position to start TTC, could feel just as desperate as someone who has already endured many unsuccessful cycles.

Either way, I'm giving myself a break. This is my space, and my life and I won't be wasting any more of my time feeling guilty or a fake. Infertility is not a badge anyone should have to or want to earn and while I will probably still grimace inwardly at the "trying" couples, I will try to remember that in their minds, the suffering is very real.

Gah!

Of course it wasn't ovulation. Why would it be ovulation? It's DAY 10 for goodness sake!

Stepping away from the chart...

In other news, Mr is 44 today. We have 1 year and counting until we have agreed to give up trying.

He left at 7am and I haven't been at all organised with presents so I need to get my act together before he gets home. Unfortunately, in a rush of activity yesterday, I agreed to have a DHL parcel picked up sometime between 9 and 5. Just praying it's nearer to 9 so I can get out of the house and pick up some food for dinner!

Ovulating????

My temperature dropped this morning. It's nothing conclusive in itself, but I can't help thinking it might be an ovulation dip. It would be incredibly early, but it's still been obsessing me all day. If it is, our timing wouldn't be bad, so it's probably slightly wishful thinking.

It doesn't help that Mr is away Thursday and Friday - sods law my body will decide that Friday morning will be the ideal time...

My temps are starting to stabilise and it's a waiting game until I ovulate. It doesn't feel that way except when I look at my chart, but I look at my chart every morning so it feels that way now.

We're doing well on the babydancing front. It may not be bringing us any closer to another baby, but it is bringing us closer to each other, something we need at the moment, as practicalities seem to be ruling our lives.

If I ovulate on day 15 like last month, then I could be fertile on Wednesday. I usually feel this impatient after ovulation so this is a new experience for me. Mind you, if I don't ovulate until day 22 like normal, it's going to be am excruciatingly long month...

I woke up feeling really positive this morning. Work seems to be falling back into place again slowly (I'm allowed to start doing a few hours from home next week after a very long time off sick) so the financial pressures have reduced a bit, but I just feel generally like something might have changed.

It's quite exciting that I might not have to wait so long for ovulation this month. Usually I'm very hit and miss with my temps at this stage in my cycle as there doesn't seem much point, but if I ovulate on day 15 again, that's only 9 days away. Of course it means that my 2ww is going to actually be 2 weeks, but it's hell whatever the distance, so I'm not going to let that get me down.

Having almost given up on ever falling pregnant before, and then having such a difficult pregnancy, it has sometimes felt like we just aren't meant to have another child - maybe we're just being greedy?

My back problems did make us wary of trying again so soon, but we know that with a luteal phase as short as mine, pregnancy is going to need either a heavy dose of luck or medical intervention, possibly both. I had been feeling rather fatalistic about it - Mr's decision that he doesn't want to keep trying after he turns 45 rules out IVF in the future, so if it doesn't happen naturally now, it won't happen at all.

The odds have seemed pretty slim, but knowing that I've had one "odd" (normal, healthy...) cycle through acupuncture changes everything. I haven't felt this excited about TTC in forever!

A cunning plan

Talked to Mr about the acupuncture's effect on my cycle. He, like me, has a lot of faith in it having seen the difference in my back and walking ability.

We both feel that my short luteal phase is the reason why it isn't easy for me to fall pregnant, although the consultants I saw before #1 was born didn't seem at all interested in my lovingly plotted charts. If acupuncture can change this and improve our chances, we have agreed to "babydance" (I love that phrase!) madly all month to try and help the process along.

While, according to Fertility Friend, our timing has been good every month since I started charting again, the idea of mad babydancing is putting a smile on my face, and somehow it feels that we need that little bit of extra sparkle in our lives to make it happen.

Of course, as we now have no idea whatsoever when I'm going to ovulate, it could be quite a month... With a toddler still sharing our room, it's been a while since we've been that energetic. I hope I've still got what it takes!

Magic Needles

I had my usual acupuncture session for my back today and I asked whether anything he did in the last session might have affected my cycle.

It felt like a big deal because, although I'm sure it's no great secret that I would like another child (or 5), I haven't actually told anyone except my best friend that we are properly trying. I'm only too aware that last time I fell pregnant it was a happy accident rather than any kind of plan. I suspect it will need some more of that mad luck if we are to manage it again, so I don't want the pressure of people wondering "if I'm pregnant yet".

Apparently the point he worked at on my back was one of the main fertility points and, while it wasn't why he was doing it, the change in my cycle is a positive sign that we are making progress with my back. It's interesting that a back problem which started in what was a very stressful pregnancy seems to be linked to my fertility issues.

He worked on the same place again today and I am feeling lighter in myself. If one session can make that much difference, I feel really hopeful that we might get lucky over the next few months.

Possible TMI warning: Staying positive

Feeling crampy and miserable today.

My period is heavy and full of clots. I guess it's proof that my body was gearing up for something this month. Unfortunately it just wasn't enough.

I'm hoping that this odd cycle will have kickstarted another change in my luteal phase - maybe the magical 10 days is within reach!

That probably sounds more optimistic than I feel right now but I need to stay positive. Next month Mr will turn 44. By our own deadline, that's another year of trying before we give up and agree to be grateful for what we have.

I'm really not ready for that yet.

A Lonely Spot

There's something very depressing about the start of a new cycle. The joy of fertility charting is that you see daily progress. Even when there is very little happening in baby-making terms, you feel that you are doing something, that you have some form of control.

The downside is that lonely little dot at the beginning of the month, which feels even bleaker when you were hoping for a line that went on and on into pregnancy.

(c) Pregnantish. All rights reserved.

Messed up

My temperature was back down this morning and my period had come. I kind of knew it last night.

The disappointment of not being pregnant is rather overshadowed right now. In my messed up state, I tweeted this link from the wrong account. It doesn't look like lots of people clicked but for now, this doesn't feel like the safe place that it was.

I am hoping that if you clicked and now know who I am, that you will understand my need for anonymity and not say anything. I don't want to let Mr down by saying something here that I haven't yet found the words or the moment to express to him. There are some things you can only talk about to the people you love and strangers, and sometimes it's easier to explain it to a stranger first.

Wishing tonight away

I appear to have stopped spotting again. Wish my body would make its mind up.

If I was logical about this I would be thinking it was over this month & already be moving ahead to next cycle - just my hormones playing cruel tricks. But I'm just not ready to give up on this one yet. Last pregnancy I had so many bleeds that spotting doesn't seem that strong a sign.

It's only a few hours now. I think I'll know one way or the other in the morning.

Down but not out

Can't help thinking that if I spent as much time working as I am spending obsessing here, I might be considerably better off.

Anyway, I've started heavier spotting. It's not constant or a proper bleed yet, but I've also had cramps that actually feel like premenstrual cramps this evening. So I'm not as hopeful as before, but I'm not out yet.

I'll go to bed early tonight, take my temp in the morning and see what happens. Whatever happens tomorrow, I am lucky in that my body has proved itself capable, if not exactly proficient, of both pregnancy and childbirth. I know that I can try again next month and I have some hope of falling pregnant again.

Feeling pregnant...ish

I've been really good and not tested again. There's no point really as I'm unlikely to get anything better than I did this morning. Have bought an earlybird test that reckons you can test 6 days before you are due. In my case, with such a short luteal phase, this probably means about 5 days after... but I'm hoping I'll get something on the cheapie tomorrow which will make it worthwhile breaking out the big guns.

I am feeling "a bit pregnant" but I'm aware that I could be imagining it all. I feel a little bloated and crampy, but not in a period way. And I felt a little nauseous this morning. But that could be worry. Nothing conclusive that I could be certain of... like fizzy boobs.

Sometimes I wish I didn't chart. I started before no.1 when my cycles could be anything from 25 to 45 days but since the birth, I have had consistent 30 day cycles. If I wasn't charting I wouldn't have a clue I'd ovulated a week early, my period wouldn't be due for another 3 days and I wouldn't be obsessing like this. Still, knowledge is power.

Still waiting and hoping

I told Mr last night that I thought I might be pregnant. He's very au fait with charting now, and could see why I thought it, but holds more faith in the pregnancy tests than my cycles, which is probably a fair assessment.

My temps are still up and, although I was spotting last night that seems to have stopped again but the test this morning was another negative. There was a faint mark where the line is supposed to be but it could have been an evap. It wasn't a line and I didn't want to be tempted into "tweaking" on Fertility Friend so I've thrown it away. Mr, who is more pragmatic about these things says there was nothing there.

(c) Pregnantish. All rights reserved.

I am actually feeling quite hopeful. Have decided I'm going to buy a more expensive test today (probably a couple more cheapies too). I'll test again tomorrow morning... or possibly later... and if I think there's anything there I'll break out the posh one.

Even though I know exactly when the conception would have been, I'll be tempted to buy one of those ones at silly prices that tell you how many weeks you are. They came out just after no.1 was born and I've been dying to see it in action!

Just read that and realised how odd that sounds. Stepping away from the keyboard...

Negative

So disappointed but I knew I was testing too early. Now I have to wait and see again. Hate it, hate it, hate it!

Indecisive? Moi?

So I bought the tests. I bought them in Poundland as I have faith in one of my more scientifically minded friend's theory that the cheaper the test, the more conclusive the result. If you buy something expensive, then you might end up with one of those desperate, pale lines that you have to fret over for days before it disappears.

While I have never had a pale line, or indeed an inkling of a pregnancy before no.1 magically appeared, I respect the advice. So I bought 4 tests for £2. I would have got them at the shop across the road, but they know me in there and I don't feel ready for anyone to be speculating, especially if it's not real again.

I'm kind of thinking that since I have the tests I should use them.

Not ready to test yet

My temperature has stayed up today and I am now 11dpo if Fertility Friend has got it right. I can't really see that ovulation could have been later, however strange it is for me to ov at day 15. I haven't had a luteal phase longer than 9 days since I started charting so it really does feel hopeful.

(c) Pregnantish. All rights reserved.

I'm still exhausted, which I think is also a good sign, although I don't remember being quite this tired last time. I really hope this isn't just some evil bug messing with my mind. To be fair, I wasn't in sole charge of a toddler last time so that's got to add to the tiredness. I fell asleep on the bed at 9pm last night trying to get her back to bed.

If I am pregnant, I could probably test now and see a result but I'm not sure I can deal with a negative. I haven't got any tests in the house so I'll buy one today in case I crack after the shops close.

Am I pregnant?

I can't stop obsessing. I chart, so I'm pretty sure I've got my ovulation date right. Although my temps are erratic, there's a clear point where my temperatures go higher. It could actually be a couple of days earlier, but that would just make me more possibly pregnant.

(c) Pregnantish. All rights reserved.

These are the reasons I think I might be:

• My period usually starts 9dpo. It's been like clockwork since my periods came back after childbirth. But then my cycle has been like clockwork at 30 days too, and I don't see that happening this month unless some kind of miracle has happened with my luteal phase.
• I'm very tired. So much so that for the first time in her life, my nearly 2 year old was allowed to sit and watch CBeebies this morning.
• I don't have that "period is coming" feeling even though it really should be here by now.
• Last time I fell pregnant, my cycle was even crazier than this one. Not exactly scientific, I admit...

But I'm not sure. The symptom that stood out last time was "fizzy boobs" but I don't know if I'd get that sensation in a second pregnancy, especially when I'm still breastfeeding once a day.

I think I might be pregnant...

Oh. My. God. I think it might have happened.

My cycle is all over the place this month - but I have a short luteal phase (8 days) and I'm now 10dpo. I don't want to test yet because I might be wrong. So I'm just going to obsess here. Quietly. Alone.