30 June 2011

I woke up feeling really positive this morning. Work seems to be falling back into place again slowly (I'm allowed to start doing a few hours from home next week after a very long time off sick) so the financial pressures have reduced a bit, but I just feel generally like something might have changed.

It's quite exciting that I might not have to wait so long for ovulation this month. Usually I'm very hit and miss with my temps at this stage in my cycle as there doesn't seem much point, but if I ovulate on day 15 again, that's only 9 days away. Of course it means that my 2ww is going to actually be 2 weeks, but it's hell whatever the distance, so I'm not going to let that get me down.

Having almost given up on ever falling pregnant before, and then having such a difficult pregnancy, it has sometimes felt like we just aren't meant to have another child - maybe we're just being greedy?

My back problems did make us wary of trying again so soon, but we know that with a luteal phase as short as mine, pregnancy is going to need either a heavy dose of luck or medical intervention, possibly both. I had been feeling rather fatalistic about it - Mr's decision that he doesn't want to keep trying after he turns 45 rules out IVF in the future, so if it doesn't happen naturally now, it won't happen at all.

The odds have seemed pretty slim, but knowing that I've had one "odd" (normal, healthy...) cycle through acupuncture changes everything. I haven't felt this excited about TTC in forever!

28 June 2011

A cunning plan

Talked to Mr about the acupuncture's effect on my cycle. He, like me, has a lot of faith in it having seen the difference in my back and walking ability.

We both feel that my short luteal phase is the reason why it isn't easy for me to fall pregnant, although the consultants I saw before #1 was born didn't seem at all interested in my lovingly plotted charts. If acupuncture can change this and improve our chances, we have agreed to "babydance" (I love that phrase!) madly all month to try and help the process along.

While, according to Fertility Friend, our timing has been good every month since I started charting again, the idea of mad babydancing is putting a smile on my face, and somehow it feels that we need that little bit of extra sparkle in our lives to make it happen.

Of course, as we now have no idea whatsoever when I'm going to ovulate, it could be quite a month... With a toddler still sharing our room, it's been a while since we've been that energetic. I hope I've still got what it takes!

Magic Needles

I had my usual acupuncture session for my back today and I asked whether anything he did in the last session might have affected my cycle.

It felt like a big deal because, although I'm sure it's no great secret that I would like another child (or 5), I haven't actually told anyone except my best friend that we are properly trying. I'm only too aware that last time I fell pregnant it was a happy accident rather than any kind of plan. I suspect it will need some more of that mad luck if we are to manage it again, so I don't want the pressure of people wondering "if I'm pregnant yet".

Apparently the point he worked at on my back was one of the main fertility points and, while it wasn't why he was doing it, the change in my cycle is a positive sign that we are making progress with my back. It's interesting that a back problem which started in what was a very stressful pregnancy seems to be linked to my fertility issues.

He worked on the same place again today and I am feeling lighter in myself. If one session can make that much difference, I feel really hopeful that we might get lucky over the next few months.

26 June 2011

Possible TMI warning: Staying positive

Feeling crampy and miserable today.

My period is heavy and full of clots. I guess it's proof that my body was gearing up for something this month. Unfortunately it just wasn't enough.

I'm hoping that this odd cycle will have kickstarted another change in my luteal phase - maybe the magical 10 days is within reach!

That probably sounds more optimistic than I feel right now but I need to stay positive. Next month Mr will turn 44. By our own deadline, that's another year of trying before we give up and agree to be grateful for what we have.

I'm really not ready for that yet.

25 June 2011

A Lonely Spot

There's something very depressing about the start of a new cycle. The joy of fertility charting is that you see daily progress. Even when there is very little happening in baby-making terms, you feel that you are doing something, that you have some form of control.

The downside is that lonely little dot at the beginning of the month, which feels even bleaker when you were hoping for a line that went on and on into pregnancy.

(c) Pregnantish. All rights reserved.

Messed up

My temperature was back down this morning and my period had come. I kind of knew it last night.

The disappointment of not being pregnant is rather overshadowed right now. In my messed up state, I tweeted this link from the wrong account. It doesn't look like lots of people clicked but for now, this doesn't feel like the safe place that it was.

I am hoping that if you clicked and now know who I am, that you will understand my need for anonymity and not say anything. I don't want to let Mr down by saying something here that I haven't yet found the words or the moment to express to him. There are some things you can only talk about to the people you love and strangers, and sometimes it's easier to explain it to a stranger first.

24 June 2011

Wishing tonight away

I appear to have stopped spotting again. Wish my body would make its mind up.

If I was logical about this I would be thinking it was over this month & already be moving ahead to next cycle - just my hormones playing cruel tricks. But I'm just not ready to give up on this one yet. Last pregnancy I had so many bleeds that spotting doesn't seem that strong a sign.

It's only a few hours now. I think I'll know one way or the other in the morning.

Down but not out

Can't help thinking that if I spent as much time working as I am spending obsessing here, I might be considerably better off.

Anyway, I've started heavier spotting. It's not constant or a proper bleed yet, but I've also had cramps that actually feel like premenstrual cramps this evening. So I'm not as hopeful as before, but I'm not out yet.

I'll go to bed early tonight, take my temp in the morning and see what happens. Whatever happens tomorrow, I am lucky in that my body has proved itself capable, if not exactly proficient, of both pregnancy and childbirth. I know that I can try again next month and I have some hope of falling pregnant again.

Feeling pregnant...ish

I've been really good and not tested again. There's no point really as I'm unlikely to get anything better than I did this morning. Have bought an earlybird test that reckons you can test 6 days before you are due. In my case, with such a short luteal phase, this probably means about 5 days after... but I'm hoping I'll get something on the cheapie tomorrow which will make it worthwhile breaking out the big guns.

I am feeling "a bit pregnant" but I'm aware that I could be imagining it all. I feel a little bloated and crampy, but not in a period way. And I felt a little nauseous this morning. But that could be worry. Nothing conclusive that I could be certain of... like fizzy boobs.

Sometimes I wish I didn't chart. I started before no.1 when my cycles could be anything from 25 to 45 days but since the birth, I have had consistent 30 day cycles. If I wasn't charting I wouldn't have a clue I'd ovulated a week early, my period wouldn't be due for another 3 days and I wouldn't be obsessing like this. Still, knowledge is power.

Still waiting and hoping

I told Mr last night that I thought I might be pregnant. He's very au fait with charting now, and could see why I thought it, but holds more faith in the pregnancy tests than my cycles, which is probably a fair assessment.

My temps are still up and, although I was spotting last night that seems to have stopped again but the test this morning was another negative. There was a faint mark where the line is supposed to be but it could have been an evap. It wasn't a line and I didn't want to be tempted into "tweaking" on Fertility Friend so I've thrown it away. Mr, who is more pragmatic about these things says there was nothing there.

(c) Pregnantish. All rights reserved.
I am actually feeling quite hopeful. Have decided I'm going to buy a more expensive test today (probably a couple more cheapies too). I'll test again tomorrow morning... or possibly later... and if I think there's anything there I'll break out the posh one.

Even though I know exactly when the conception would have been, I'll be tempted to buy one of those ones at silly prices that tell you how many weeks you are. They came out just after no.1 was born and I've been dying to see it in action!

Just read that and realised how odd that sounds. Stepping away from the keyboard...

23 June 2011

Negative

So disappointed but I knew I was testing too early. Now I have to wait and see again. Hate it, hate it, hate it!

Indecisive? Moi?

So I bought the tests. I bought them in Poundland as I have faith in one of my more scientifically minded friend's theory that the cheaper the test, the more conclusive the result. If you buy something expensive, then you might end up with one of those desperate, pale lines that you have to fret over for days before it disappears.

While I have never had a pale line, or indeed an inkling of a pregnancy before no.1 magically appeared, I respect the advice. So I bought 4 tests for £2. I would have got them at the shop across the road, but they know me in there and I don't feel ready for anyone to be speculating, especially if it's not real again.

I'm kind of thinking that since I have the tests I should use them.

Not ready to test yet

My temperature has stayed up today and I am now 11dpo if Fertility Friend has got it right. I can't really see that ovulation could have been later, however strange it is for me to ov at day 15. I haven't had a luteal phase longer than 9 days since I started charting so it really does feel hopeful.

(c) Pregnantish. All rights reserved.
I'm still exhausted, which I think is also a good sign, although I don't remember being quite this tired last time. I really hope this isn't just some evil bug messing with my mind. To be fair, I wasn't in sole charge of a toddler last time so that's got to add to the tiredness. I fell asleep on the bed at 9pm last night trying to get her back to bed.

If I am pregnant, I could probably test now and see a result but I'm not sure I can deal with a negative. I haven't got any tests in the house so I'll buy one today in case I crack after the shops close.

22 June 2011

Am I pregnant?

I can't stop obsessing. I chart, so I'm pretty sure I've got my ovulation date right. Although my temps are erratic, there's a clear point where my temperatures go higher. It could actually be a couple of days earlier, but that would just make me more possibly pregnant.

(c) Pregnantish. All rights reserved.
These are the reasons I think I might be:
  • My period usually starts 9dpo. It's been like clockwork since my periods came back after childbirth. But then my cycle has been like clockwork at 30 days too, and I don't see that happening this month unless some kind of miracle has happened with my luteal phase.
  • I'm very tired. So much so that for the first time in her life, my nearly 2 year old was allowed to sit and watch CBeebies this morning.
  • I don't have that "period is coming" feeling even though it really should be here by now.
  • Last time I fell pregnant, my cycle was even crazier than this one. Not exactly scientific, I admit...
But I'm not sure. The symptom that stood out last time was "fizzy boobs" but I don't know if I'd get that sensation in a second pregnancy, especially when I'm still breastfeeding once a day.

I think I might be pregnant...

Oh. My. God. I think it might have happened.

My cycle is all over the place this month - but I have a short luteal phase (8 days) and I'm now 10dpo. I don't want to test yet because I might be wrong. So I'm just going to obsess here. Quietly. Alone.
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